The biggest problem appears to be finding guys who want to date. Apparently everyone wants to have sex. Which is a wonderful goal in life, but doesn’t help me much, because of Rule #3. Of course, so far all attempts have been via http://www.okcupid.com, since apparently no one in all the people I know actually knows anyone who’s up for a date with someone their friend says is a fun person. One of the early conversations I had was with a chap who claimed he wanted to “get to know me” on chat, and then proceeded to ask me, almost exclusively, for details of my sex life. After a while I told him:
please ya. you dont need to know “where i prefer the guy to ejaculate” to get to know memaybe what i like to read or eat or places i have travelled or want to or how i fel about gazabut not whether i like from behind with my hair pulled
That shut him up, but of course I never heard from him again.
Which brings me to Problem #2: Desi boys.
It seems to me that Indian men are trained a certain way. On the one hand they do want to you know settle down and so on, but they seem extremely reluctant to admit it. Well at least the ones in my circles (urban upper middle class and upper class?). They are also very deeply immersed into the Madonna-Magdalen trope; they want a wild crazy girl to fuck but a sweet chaste girl to date. They are also rarely raised to tolerate, forget about appreciate, secure, opinionated, independent women–yes even the ones raised liberally. They are also not taught to look at themselves critically (which is probably true of lots of people everywhere, regardless of gender or nationality or sexual orientation!) So while they tell me I’m really great, when it comes down to it, they will also tell me that if I want to meet a guy I need to tone it down a bit. Make him feel like he’s smarter, like you need him. Eyeroll. The irony of course is that just makes them whine about needy girlfriends.
Then there’s the very real problem that the majority of okcupid thinks dating=sex. You won’t believe how many times I’ve been told that I’m so brave to do this and talk about it publicly, or that I should be ashamed of myself for doing it at all. Guys write in to say I should get to know people before dating them. It’s all very confusing, clearly. Which is why the rules are up on my profile, but still it seems to confuse them.
That’s because of Problem #4: They don’t read my profile. I have actually told guys to go back and read because they’re asking me question that are answered there. Why are you on OKC? Jeez dude it’s in the first paragraph of my profile!
This is related to Problem #5: Laziness. Now I’m hardly the poster child of activity but I do take the initiative; I write to people; I ask questions; I answer properly. Here however there is a distressing tendency for every question asked to be ‘Wassup’ and every answer to be monosyllabic, or at least mono-errr…loguic? (Something. There must be a word; I shall find it.) they give one-word answers, making every conversation an exhausting enterprise. Then you’ve fought your way to conversation and you want to meet and they say oh anything is fine, pick the place, pick the time, pick everything. Now I’m not saying there’s some moral imperative for men to take decisions but seriously! Offer some! We can decide together.
Problem #6–shame–can also be the cause of painful conversations, because you can’t get a straight answer out of the guy because he’s so ashamed of being on okcupid. Names, jobs, histories, plans, meeting in person–none of this is possible; they will just keep dodging. This is a giant waste of time, so now I just walk away.
Problem #7 is probably not unique to this area: it’s often very difficult to figure out logistics. Delhi is huge; people live all over it. We all have friends. Many people have family. Finding time to date is difficult. Finding a time and place that work for both of you is shockingly HARD. And if you don’t meet soon enough you lose momentum and it all fizzles out.
Problem #8 is unique to me: I’m broke. So either I come across as grasping harpy who wants 50 guys to take her out, or I have to carefully plan and curate my dates.
Problem #9 is entitlement. This can manifest itself as:
- I bought you dinner, so have sex with me
- I’m a nice guy, so you better like me
- I’m interacting with you, so you better reply ASAP HOW DARE YOU HAVE A LIFE AND OTHER THINGS TO DO
Every version is mind-numbingly banal.
Problem #10 is a Delhi thing–or maybe a big city thing, because I did feel something like this in New York. People in Delhi are very cliquey. It’s not that they don’t want to be friends with new people, but everyone has their nice little circles, and they’re nice and comfy and don’t want to mix them. In Hyderabad, if I called someone to hang out, and they had plans, they’d just tell me to tag along. Here however, it’s as if the world will end if you introduce two new people. Eyeroll. This makes it ridiculously difficult to meet new people. Or even see many of your old friends, as I discovered when I moved back here.