A commenter called Priya left this for me last week:
is there any hope? for me? A 25-year-old in urban Delhi? I don’t want this blog to be responsible for creating any hopes (reliable or imaginary) but god I am giving it a chance (knowing I will most probably be turned off from meeting guys I know are jerks -virtually and real(ly).)
The first thing I want to say is, yes there is hope. Of course there is hope. There is hope that you will be happy, just as there is hope that I will too, with or without one single man. If you want my advice I will only say this: please Priya learn to be brutally honest with yourself; you’ll find it makes everything at least 50% easier. It’s a difficult thing to learn to do, but you can learn.
But I also have to say no, all guys are not jerks. Just as all women are not princesses. Yes you might meet a lot of jerks in your time, but then you’ve probably been the jerk or the princess to lots of people too. There are always more than two sides to behaviour, and you can’t forget how we as a society train people to behave to each other, especially where sex and romance are involved. Sometimes people are horrible, yes, but you can still walk away. It will hurt like hell, but when someone doesn’t value you, walk away, even if a year later you still get that sinking paining feeling in your heart when his picture pops up on Facebook =)
But there will be guys who are kind to you, who hold your hand and take care of you. They might not be boyfriends or people you’re into, but they certainly exist. Some of my dearest friends, yaaron ya yaars, are guys, and when they make me feel taken care of it is as wonderful as when I have a great date. These guys might take some time to appear–it’s hard to be friends with someone of the opposite sex in your early twenties, mainly because you and he both need to get over all the nonsense we’re fed, and also because everyone else will refuse to believe it. But fuck them, and be open to guy friends. (Thought be prepared for them to vanish when they acquire girlfriends. The good ones though, they’ll be back.)
Everyone, male and female, is a person. Everyone has good days and bad days, triggers and quirks, things they can’t resist and things they can’t stand. Everyone makes mistakes; everyone hurts the people they love and care about. This doesn’t make them good or bad or jerks or not. I know I broke my ex’s heart when I broke up with him; I also broke my own heart though, and I did it because there was no other way forward.
Still, I will admit, there are some people who hurt you because they can. These are not nice people. These are jerks. And they come from both genders. So I guess the best thing for you to do is to value yourself honestly. Know your faults and know when to say you’re sorry. Embrace what you’re worth and hold that close. And when someone–guy, girl, old, young, whatever–doesn’t value it, walk away. There will be other people and they will value you.