More interruptions

(I have all these posts planned and queued, but things keep moving me to write about other stuff.)

A long time ago, I went on an OKC date with a guy. He was really quite different from me, and I don’t know that I’d have gone out with him if someone had said hey I have a single friend and described him to me. But we did go out. We had a great date. Seriously. I think it was the last great date I had before the project. Total chemistry, physical, mental, conversational. Some of this might have been because I was still depressed at the time and latching on to whatever positives I could find and building it up, but still there was enough there to qualify as a really good date.

This guy had a blog and he told me about it, so I started following it. Unfortunately he was severely flaky and we basically lost contact in a week. He didn’t post much on the blog either. Suddenly, a few months ago he started posting, a flurry of heartbroken posts about lost love and dealing with things and so on. Being the horrible voyeur that I am I read them avidly and have now pieced together what has happened to him over the past two years.

The reason why I’m suddenly talking about him here is that he posted something today that really resonated with me. It was just one word at the end of a post about how he has lost all his potential and wasted his life.

I have some life left in me. Not much but some. And I want to make it all count. Every last breath.
I can’t be a has been or a never was. I want to be counted as an entity which mattered to the lives that I touched.
And its not just work. It’s life. It’s love. Fuck it. I’m an old world, impractical romantic. But that’s what I want as a token of having done something right in life.

It made me wonder why we spend so much time telling ourselves in this modern world that love is not a priority. Why do we feel the need to stress and underline that a life without love is the life to hold on to–love is an afterthought? Why did everyone tell me, for years, that I was foolish and silly to want love and I should focus on a career instead?

I’m not saying everyone needs to become Devdas or anything like that, but it’s true that there is pressure to deny that you want love. Sure, everyone doesn’t want it, but some people certainly do. God forbid you admit to it though. This same guy, when I met him, would have pulled out his hair with tweezers before making this admission, and it seems like he had to go to hell and back before he could say it out loud.

The value of your life in today’s world seems to only be counted by the stamps on your passport, the medals on your chest, the money in your bank and the house you live in. People forget the meaning derived from the friends you stay in with, the people you laugh with, the happiness and sadness you find in the lives you touch and the lives that touch yours. I remember tearfully telling my parents once that of course I have talnts and my life has value; there are so many people who love me and whom I love. It doesn’t matter if I don’t have a career path or get promotions. I add value to lives–just not the way people assume you should.

I can’t help but wonder if those years would have been easier on me if someone had looked at me and said that I did have a full, meaningful life even though I didn’t tick the boxes everyone said I should; that I had a valid dream, a legitimate aspiration–I wonder if my life would have turned out different.

Okay, sorry this turned out a lot more maudlin than anticipated!


17 thoughts on “More interruptions

  1. Exactly my thoughts this weekend.. Over the years, I’ve realized I have an enormous capacity to love, (and love a lot of people) sometimes a little ‘too much’ even. Like most people wish they had more time in their lives, to do more things, see more places and invest in themselves. While the latter is important to me, I sometimes wish I had more time in my life to spend it with all people I love and cherish. To hear them out and to be heard, you know that sorta of thing!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This has been spot on! It comes so naturally to a lot of people – giving and sharing their love and making around them happy but what sometimes strikes as tragedy is that this giving and sharing is seen as weakness. Compassion and empathy depravity is what the world holds in esteem nowadays, I guess. It was a beautiful post to begin my day to. Thank you :)

    Liked by 1 person

    • you’re welcome! and thank you! i’m having a miserable day, which is likely where all this came from, so it’s nice to hear nice things =)


  3. Nothing wrong with a little maudlin sometimes :) And I think this all comes back to the old cliche of people needing to find their bliss and going for it, while recognizing that theirs might not be someone else’s (and vice versa). If love is what works for you, go for it. If work is what works for you, go for it. If chasing random people down the street with a cleaver is what works for you, go see a therapist. But recognize what matters to you and go for it.

    Unfortunately, a lot of the ways in which people get socialized as well as being judged for not doing the standard seriously makes doing the above more difficult.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Wow. That was truly amazing. It’s beautiful how you put to words all the feelings that resonate within me. We need to meet up one day for a nice cup of coffee, philosophy, men, and our single lives!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Not maudlin at all. It’s true. I am glad I had surrendered to the truth long back. My life has been one long pursuit of happiness and although I haven’t found it, at least I have a start over those who’re chasing other things.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I think I have a love-hate relationship with love. As in, I do too much of it, of all kinds, incessantly and in way too much volume and with too many people. I’ve recently been told (nottomention, teased mercilessly) that I have “an Africa-sized heart” :P

    But boss, I also get tired of feeling intense shit all the time, and generally revolt/want to bail, also all the time. Like, really seriously consider lobotomising myself at times :P Given a choice, I’d opt for total detachment, really, from every single being on this fucking planet or elsewhere. Which probably makes me a potential axe-murderer, but there you go Nanny :)

    But seriously though, all this ticking boxes is such utter BS. Your’e healthy, you’re solvent, you’re responsible and capable of looking after yourself and others (if needed), and you have people who love you and whom you love–what’s the problem with this scenario? All this money and status chasing and subsequent showing off/keeping up with the Joneses crap leaves me cold, frankly. You’re fucking awesome, yo. And I have every confidence that you’ll continue being so.

    And despite all I said above,
    <3 <3 x Africa :)

    Liked by 1 person

    • sorry madlife. awww
      africa^2 to you you’re talking to the bot too much. DO NOT CROSS OVER TO THE DARK SIDE THEY DON’T HAVE COOKIES!
      see i tried the detachment thing it doesn’t work for me. i’m not wired that way. i end up in constant midlevel misery because i’m predisappointing and can’t ever be properly happy because without investment i’m not happy. and all the bad painful things that have happened, they were after some really fun times. so now i have distance and healing (well for all except the last sigh when will i EVER be rid of him??) i can remember the happies and be happy. so revoltingly new age no? heh. but it works!


      • The peaks are AMAZING. But the troughs? Oh jeeesus Nanny. If I never encountered another one again, it would be too soon. I’d rather not have either. The bot doesn’t have much to do with this–I’ve felt like this for a looong time now.

        And I don’t care for cookies, not really. Does the dark side have nolen guur/marble cake/ice-cream? You gotta have the right bribes, bosspeoples! Pliss to take note. :P


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