The other day I got an email from a guy. He had many things to say, all complimentary heh, and a few questions. One of them if one I get a lot and I keep saying I’ll post about so here:
It just seems unnatural to me i guess. Like, as a guy, if i have a one night stand, and after the girl just sleeps on the other side of the bed and then we part ways, its easy to forget about her.
But when i sit with a girl, sharing stories, ideas & feelings, telling each other about our lives, for hours, and then parting with a kiss, this is the kind of stuff that’s gonna make me call her back, or intrigue me to a level that hampers my daily life! How can it not happen to you, or to the other guys?
In short: how can you date many people at the same time?
The short answer is: no one is serious.
The long answer however, is er, well, longer. When it comes to dating per se, I like to make the distinction between dating, where you’re sort of interviewing people for post of person I think I want to commit to and seeing each other where they’ve got the job as it were. Now people are different, much like organizations heh. Some places interview 100 candidates at the same time; some do select referrals one at a time. Well ok no one does one at a time heh. My point though is that some people are very gregarious and so they are not fazed by juggling several social commitments, don’t mind being out every night of the week and can keep track of many parallel conversations (or fake it at any rate hee). Some people can’t deal with so many stimuli and prefer to go slowly and carefully.
I am, obviously, in the former group. I love people. It’s like people, and new people, are my drug. I love finding out stories and figuring out quirks. As such I’m very happy to meet a stream of new people. And the dating that I’m doing is very casual. I rarely see the guys more than once. Yes we talk, we might kiss, but this doesn’t mean that there is enough of a connection to hook my heart, and so far none of them has given me any cause to think any of theirs is. Well my heart did get hooked once and it hurt like hell to get over it, but I did. And it only got hooked because the guy did and said things to lead me to suppose he was interested. But then again, he could be forgiven for thinking I wouldn’t be because after all, I’m dating 50 guys right?
Here’s the thing. I am dating a lot of guys, but every single one of them knows it. There’s nothing I hide about dating, about what I want, about what I feel. Every guy knows I am looking for love, and that I don’t think I’m going to find it. Now this is not just because I’m laying it out on this blog–I also tell them. And because of the blog, every guy I’ve gone out with has had a chance to look inside my head and see how I feel about him, after one date. So really, I’m the one in the dark here. I am also very open: ask me and you will get an honest answer. This is also something the guys know. So if you are someone who walks around talking of the value of honesty, you cannot blame me for reading your signals as honest, and you cannot say you didn’t think I was serious, because all you had to do was ask.
But my particular case aside, since I am definitely an unusual one, I really don’t see how anyone can offence at someone they’ve gone out with once dating other people. As long as you’re honest–‘I have a date’ not ‘I’m hanging with a friend’–respectful–‘Do you want to hear about dates or not?’ and kind–‘I’m sorry, I really like this other person so I can’t date you any more’ or ‘I don’t feel the same way as you do; we should stop dating’–you are not, in any way, transgressing.
As for calling a girl back, if you want to, do it. And if she wants to, she should do it too. Of course the way we articulate the rules these days, calling someone and saying you like them is a symptom of horrific clinginess and and indication that you are a psycho stalker who has married then in their head, so there’s a whole other can of worms there, but at least you’ll know you were honest and you communicated your feelings, so you did all you could.