Sometime this past week I was trawling OKC for potential dates (Amy Webb agrees with me about how you gotta reach out first, but that’s a whole other post heh), and a new chap had popped up. He had a 90% match*, was 28, and seemed quite interesting. Little-bit bleeding heart–lots about cycling and NGOs and so on, but that’s hardly a bad thing. So I opened with a casual invitation to chat, and he responded with ‘why not’.
so what brings you to okc?
And then I got this rather obnoxious response.
Certainly not the desire to get interviewed.
So I told him he could keep his attitude and moved on.
There are two things here that I find strange. One the virulence of the reply, and two the interpretation he placed on a conversation opener. What did he expect? I would say ok. And then? How does a conversation move without any questions? Now I know I ask a lot of questions and I even laughingly tell guys they can take over the interrogation at any point, but I really am curious to know how all these whiny guys think conversation works. Do you have some ephemeral osmotic mind connection? You just know what subjects to talk about? Are you only interesting in holding forth about yourself without finding out anything about the other person? Is your life so secret and special that it’s a violation of privacy and government contract to tell someone about it?
The thing is, if guys would actually engage with me, I wouldn’t need to ask questions. I know I’ve cribbed about this before, and it led to an email conversation with a commenter, who told me that when he goes on arranged-wala dates he gets freaked out because why do you need to know how much I make? That is fair enough. But my questions are more along the lines of what do you do, where did you grow up, what do you read, what’s fun for you–all very casual surface questions that will hopefully unearth something that will lead us away into a conversation. I suppose I could go with how do you feel about AAP, but I can’t help but think that rabid political debate is more like second date stuff heh.
I’ve sat at dates where I’ve only gotten monosyllabic answers, where the guy never asked me anything. And I’m exhausted at the end of the hour because I have been talking constantly, and I have no desire to spend any more time with this tiresome and frankly boring person. It really makes me wonder why someone is on a date or how they can think they are showing interest in a person. Asking questions is not an insult–it’s a compliment. If I ask you something it means I want to know you more–how is that a bad thing on a first date (or in a first email)?
*I really miss OKC’s friend %. It was always a far more accurate predictor of whether I was going to like someone than the match percentage. That is because I’m convinced OKC give far more weightage to hypothetical sexual questions than other ones in the match section, but these are irrelevant to the friend equation.