The sense of sheer entitlement that most desi guys have always takes my breath away. I bring this up because this past week I’ve received emails that showcase this beautifully. One was on OKC (rats I seem to have deleted it) and the other on my 50dates email.

OKC guy wrote to me to say hello, he thought I was interesting, and however I felt about him I should reply so he knows I’m not a fake and that the site isn’t going to be a waste of his time. I was flabbergasted. Let me get this straight. You decided to try a dating website, for whatever reasons you have. You find me, you think I’m interesting, and you write to me. These are all your choices. No one is forcing you to make any of them. Why then am I beholden to reply? Why is it my responsibility to make your experience of the internet better?  I don’t care if you waste your time–it’s your time. Why should I reassure you? Hum aapke hain kaun? Or rather, aap hamare hain kaun?

The other is a horrifyingly young boy who wrote to ask me out. I declined on account of his age, and of course I got the but-age-is-just-a-number reply. Eyeroll. Guys  (and girls, if you do this) respect the other person’s right to make their own choices. I’m sure you think you are the cat’s bathmat, but in any relationship worth having that doesn’t matter. The other person needs to think you’re the cat’s bathmat, or at least that you have the potential to be. So if someone says no, then walk away gracefully. But I digress.

At the end of his email telling me how he’s mature for his age and everything, comes this gem of a paragraph.

Anyhow, I’m not looking to be your case study or anything. But you seem to be a fun and I’ve never been with a “Full figured” woman, or an older woman, or a woman who drinks often, and does drugs sometimes. Even better, you have a house and I’ll just end up sleeping there if I end up drinking too much and think my mom would find out (22 year old troubles!)

Now don’t get me wrong; I don’t think he’s a bad person or anything. He’s really very young and probably doesn’t even realise the implications of what he’s saying, and has never been told to think about it. (He’s going to be very upset I posted this I think, but what to do it needs to be said.) So I broke it down for him.

so you don’t want to do anything for my goals. but i should help you fulfil your goal of being with a woman who fits one of these categories. let me not even get started on your categories…
and of course it is my duty to make your life easy, so obviously you can sleep in my house if you get drunk, never mind if i think that’s ok or acceptable, never mind asking if its ok, just assume its your birthright? and again lets not get started on guys who think it;s ok to get out of control shitfaced on a first date.

Just where is so much entitlement coming from? Okay, okay, I do know where–mommy. This brings me back to my broken record: if we want to fix the way women are treated in this country, we have to raise our men differently. But I’m getting too political for this frothy space now, aren’t I? Let me return to feminism.

These are just two in the long parade of entitled men I have come across over the past ten years, men who think they are entitled to sex because they paid for dinner, men who think they are entitled to your instant attention because you gave them your number, men who think they are entitled to your time because you had one long conversation…the list is long.

Now I know I’m going to be accused of being a bitch here, because what, guys aren’t allowed to ask? That’s not what I’m saying at all. Please ask. By all means. But please also learn that I have the right to say no and you don’t get to be angry with me for exercising my right! I don’t get angry with you when you don’t reply to my messages, or when you tell me you’re not interested in me, or you’re too busy. I might be hurt; I might bitch to my friends; I might sigh about how sad it is you’re not willing to give me a chance because I know it’ll work; I might even wail about it on the blog–but I never write to you and explain to you how you owe me your attention. So please learn to do the same.


23 thoughts on “Entitlement

  1. A good strong message here maam….and a good strong indication that even though you on a mission to date 50 guys….you wont keep saying yes to every tom, dick and harry….kudos miss 50 :)


  2. Oh, man! Whenever I’m teaching about issues with gender and power and sex crimes and privilege and anything of the kind, I always have to touch on the issue of entitlement, since that’s at the root of so many damn issues. And yeah, mommy may be a part of it, but there’s a whole lot more to it, falling under the umbrella of how they are raised, as you noted. This is why I think education is so damn important.


    • ^^ What he said. Shilsen, you’re getting doppleganger-er, heh.

      What I hate even more perhaps is how girls are relentlessly socially conditioned to believe that boys are entitled to these levels of bs. I know too many women who’d take these forms of behaviour as a man’s due, and not think that anything was actually wrong with them. “Just adjust,” “boys will be boys,” “catch more flies with honey and not vinegar,” etc ad nauseum. (The vernacular versions sound even worse somehow). UGH.

      And 50Dates, I want to note again that you’re fucking *gracious*. Even when you rant, you’re kind, which is more than these specimens deserve.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Hah, I say it plenty in real life nowadays. But having a blog makes a difference in terms of wider dissemination of your ideas, no? :)

        I must confess though that I’m always struggling against the internal imperative to be polite no matter what, even to entitled assholes. (Not just restricted to men, either. Entitlement comes in all shapes and forms unfortunately.) But but but, apparently age works miracles! The older I get, the more inclined I am to call BS when I see it happen. I’m getting better at squishing my inner peace-loving, conflict-avoiding, too-polite-for-her-own-good person when the situation truly demands it–it’s certainly not as if I don’t get enough opportunities to practise :P


      • It comes as an utter shock to me that NK and I both say the above.

        I got over the imperative to be polite a long time ago, but that’s also in part because it’s much easier to do that when you’re a dude, where you generally get kudos for being a “straight-shooter” where a woman will simply be labelled a “bitch” for the exact same thing. I’ve seen the age thing happen with a lot of my female friends, where they are much less willing to put up with shit than they did ten years ago. Even my mom, who used to be all polite and accommodating, calls things out all the time and often tells me, “I should have listened to you and done this ages ago!”

        *belatedly realizes that I have now analogized NK with my mother and quickly steps away from keyboard*


      • Soo, I’m your long-lost-twin, doppleganger and now…mother-analogue(ish)! Oooof the package deal to end all package deals, I swear! :D

        Liked by 1 person

      • Well, at least this time we aren’t speaking (mostly unintelligible-to-general-populace Pratchettese, hah. Such inclusive encroachers we can be at time, my dear SS.

        PS That’s an unfortunate acronym, no? Hee.


      • NK my favourite thing bout age is that i don’t give a shit anymore. i call BS all the time. people get all flustered and im’ like yo alk to the elbow cos the hand aint listening. hee.


Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s